Re:Her

Last week, I did not post anything on my blog. Not because I had no idea what to write, but because I was busy living.

My best friend, Anisha, finally came over to meet me after a lot of schedule goof-ups from both our ends. Somehow, after all the planning, postponing and trying to find the right day, we finally made it happen.

And we had the best time.

Living just two floors away from each other in Mumbai, we have known each other for the last 25 years. She has been there through all my phases, so naturally, she shares a beautiful rapport with my mum too. She made sure to spend time with me as well as with my mother. I was pampered with some thoughtful gifts and loved every minute having her around.

I found little bit of time to go out with her and Arjun came with us. And honestly, I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

It wasn’t one of those carefree days where I could simply walk out of the house, forget everything and spend the entire day.

I planned everything around his schedule, making sure his feeds, his needs and his routine were taken care of, while also allowing myself to sit down, eat, talk, laugh and simply enjoy being with my friend.

It may sound like a very small thing. But for me, it wasn’t. I was making room for myself. I had dedicated myself completely to being a mother. And I kept telling myself that it was okay. It was okay if I didn’t make time for myself. There was always a reason. So I kept putting myself somewhere at the bottom of the list.

And after doing that for long enough, I think I started convincing myself that I didn’t need anything else. But somewhere in a very quiet corner of my heart, I knew that wasn’t true. I wasn’t okay. I was functioning. There is a difference.

I was taking care of everything that needed me, but somewhere along the way, I had stopped checking whether I needed something too. And spending that time with Anisha made me realise just how much I had missed myself.

Not a grand version of myself. Just me.

The woman who likes getting dressed and stepping outside. The woman who wants to laugh, meet people, make plans and occasionally do something simply because she wants to.

And maybe the most important thing I realised was that being a good mother doesn’t mean disappearing completely into motherhood.

I can take care of Arjun and take care of myself. I can be there for him and still make time for me. I can plan my day around his needs without forgetting that I have needs too.

Things have become a little better now. Not perfect. Just better. And that little bit of better has given me something I haven’t had in a while—a little room to breathe.

I can step out more often now.

Maybe it is only for an hour. Maybe it is just breakfast with a friend. Maybe it is a walk, a coffee, getting dressed and going somewhere, or simply sitting somewhere without constantly thinking about the next thing that needs to be done.

But an hour is still an hour. And I’m learning that it counts.

A big part of making this possible has been my mother.

Her support and care have made such a difference to me. Knowing that she is there, helping me manage things and being there for Arjun, has allowed me to slowly start looking after myself too.

After all the ups and downs, the difficult days and the days when I wondered how I was going to manage everything, I think I am finally finding a rhythm. One where Arjun remains my biggest priority, but I don’t disappear in the process.

I don’t have to choose between being a mother and being myself. I can be both.

And perhaps that is one of the biggest things I’m learning in this chapter of my life:

Prioritising myself doesn’t mean prioritising my responsibilities any less.

It simply means remembering that I am a responsibility too.

I used to think taking time for myself meant taking time away from Arjun.

Now I’m beginning to understand that sometimes, taking a little time for myself is what helps me come back with a little more energy, patience and happiness.

I don’t know what the next few weeks will look like. I know there will still be unpredictable days. There will be plans that don’t work out. There will be moments when Arjun needs me more than anything else. And there will probably be days when I forget myself again.

But now I know I can find my way back. I hope things continue to get better. I know not everything is in my control. But there is one thing I am slowly learning that I can control.

My peace.

And this time, I’m not willing to keep putting it last.

I’m learning to make room for me, too.