Re:Her

After I launched my blog, someone asked me why I named it Re:Her.

I had an answer ready, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised that the name means a little more to me than I initially knew how to explain.I wasn’t just reinventing myself.

I was trying to keep up with my old self.

There are parts of the woman I used to be that I miss.

I miss having a routine. I miss knowing what my day looked like and having some of that day belong to me. I miss taking care of myself without having to fit it into the tiny spaces between everything else.

I miss dressing up just because I felt like it. I miss yoga. I miss my social life. I miss going out, having fun, laughing with friends and doing things that had absolutely nothing to do with being productive.

Motherhood changed all of that.

Suddenly, my days weren’t really mine anymore. My routine had to revolve around someone else. My priorities changed. And for a while, taking care of myself started feeling like something I could do later.

Later became months.

Months became a phase of life.

And somewhere in between, I became very good at putting myself last.

But I don’t want to romanticise the old me either.

She wasn’t perfect.

She procrastinated. She could be a people pleaser. She wasn’t always as confident as I wanted her to be. She had unfinished plans, doubts and her own things to work on.

So I don’t want to go back to being her.

I want to take the good parts of her with me.

And leave some of the rest behind.

That sounds lovely in theory. Actually doing it is a little harder.

Because changing old habits isn’t one dramatic decision. It’s a series of very ordinary choices that nobody else notices.

I’m trying to stop procrastinating by simply starting.

Not waiting for the perfect time. Not waiting until I have the energy, the motivation or a completely free afternoon.

Just starting.

Sometimes that means writing a paragraph instead of waiting to write an entire article. Sometimes it means finishing the small thing I’ve been putting off instead of adding another task to tomorrow’s list.

I’m learning that saying no doesn’t make me unkind.That I don’t have to explain every decision.

That keeping everyone happy isn’t my responsibility. And that choosing myself sometimes isn’t selfish.

Then there is confidence.

I’m trying not to wait until I feel confident before doing something. I’m learning to let action come first.

Building Re:Her has actually been a small exercise in this. I didn’t know everything about creating a website. I researched. I watched tutorials. I figured things out. I got stuck. I tried again.

And eventually, there it was. My website. Something I had created myself.

It reminded me that maybe confidence doesn’t always arrive before you begin. Sometimes it arrives because you began.

I’m also trying to bring back the parts of my old routine that made me feel like myself. Dressing up more. Taking better care of my health. Making time for yoga. Making space for friends.

Not because I want to prove that I can somehow become the woman I was before motherhood.But because motherhood doesn’t have to mean that every other part of me disappears. I can be a mother and still be ambitious. I can be tired and still want to look after myself. I can love my family deeply and still want something that is mine. I can change without abandoning everything I used to love.

Maybe that is what I misunderstood about starting over. I thought starting over meant leaving the old version of me behind. Now I think it means looking at her a little more honestly. Thanking her for what she got me through. Acknowledging where she could have done better. Keeping the things that made her happy. Leaving behind the things that made her smaller. And then moving forward.

Not as a completely new woman.

As a woman who knows herself a little better.

A woman who is still figuring things out.

A woman who is trying again.

A woman who is learning to put herself somewhere on her own list.

That is what Re:Her means to me.

It isn’t about becoming someone I’ve never been.

It is about taking her with me.

The woman who loved getting dressed. The woman who made plans. 

The woman who wasn’t perfect, but had pieces of herself that I don’t want to lose.

I’m taking those pieces.

And I’m leaving the rest behind.

Slowly.

One habit, one decision, one article, one little beginning at a time.

Maybe I am not starting over after all.

Maybe I’m just finally learning how to take myself with me.